I know that I have finely tuned antennae when it comes to relationships. After all, I grew up in an empty room. My mother was an alcoholic and my Dad never showed up emotionally for anyone unless it served his ego or made him look good to the congregation ladies. And I am a therapist, trained to watch and hear what isn’t being spoken. So now, I sit back and watch. With a bit of wonder and perhaps awe, I watch people in relationships. Who still touches? Who still talks? What amount of distance is there between so-and-so and her partner? Who asks for what she needs? Who’s getting it, what ever it is, from someone else? And, I wonder why we settle for less than what we really want in relationships? Is it because we think having deep, meaningful connections are impossible? Is it because we have no role models? Is it because we don’t have the tools to get there? Or, is all of that a load of crap and are we just plain scared to death of intimacy?

When you say the word intimacy to most people they think you are talking about sex. Intimacy is actually a state of beingness, it’s not an action or a verb. It’s a noun filled with wonder and a sense of deep connection. To be intimate with another human being is to be profoundly connected. It is to look beyond the person who fixes eggs in the morning or juggles figures at work and to wonder what he really feels and thinks. What does this precious person in your life worry about, care about deeply? What is her destiny and dream? What makes him afraid? What makes her joyful? What gives comfort, safety, sacredness and meaning to his life?

There is a component to intimacy that calls us to be better human beings. Perhaps that is why we avoid it. It is very difficult to be truly intimate with another human being and then want to hurt them. Somehow, this state of connection inspires us to be the best we can be for and with each other. Intimacy can be found in the silence of a deeply connected moment – in the stunning revelation of a truth. It can be found in the willingness to be present to an others pain, or triumph. Intimacy can even be found when we are quiet, alone and willing to ask the question, Who am I and what am I here for? The greatest intimacy comes when there are no questions left.

Intimacy arrives when love becomes something you do, rather than something you want. It is here when taking care of yourself means you get another moment to brush the hair from off his forehead. Intimacy is reached when cuddling is not about the weather or an unexpected glance at her takes your breath away.

You have created intimacy when sex becomes sacred and how she looks is less important than who she is. It is achieved when you are willing to discover something new about your partner from moment to moment and uncertainty; questions and greener grass no longer exist.

Intimacy is in your relationship when leaving is no longer an option and you would gladly give your inner child to him.

Intimacy has arrived when what you feel begins to heal you both and you become willing to open your heart in ways you never thought you could. True intimacy is when giving less than your best feels like lying and you can feel her imprint on your soul. You’re being intimate when you can feel her presence even when she’s not near. You’ve gotten to intimacy when it’s more fulfilling to listen than talk.

The “I” word comes at the most surprising times and can arrive in relationships with little people, older people and friends people. Intimacy can also be the biggest part of your relationship with Spirit. It comes when you begin to love yourself the way the Divine loves and accepts you – without hesitation, judgment or doubt. If intimacy is not in the center of your relationships, you are probably bored, apathetic and not very connected to life or those you love. Want the excitement back? Opt for intimacy with a big “I,” – starting now.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

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