Q: Every year in June I get my hopes up thinking I’ll receive a really nice anniversary gift, flowers or something that says. “I Love You.” Why does it seem the love moves out after the lover moves in?
Years ago in California, I had a client whose husband was a brain surgeon. Each year on their anniversary he out did himself with one expensive gift after another, each better and bigger than the last. Guess what. My client never felt loved by him and eventually she took her children and left. She never felt loved by him because the most important things that he could give her were never offered. Presence. Compassion. Care. Truth. Honesty. Support. Instead, she got yet another Judith Leiber Bag or diamond tennis bracelet. None of which kept her warm or helped her to feel loved. What she felt, was empty.
Relationships are the toughest and, at the same time, the most rewarding gift of any. Like love itself, they are filled with the most frightening energy of intimacy and at the same time, the most profound possibility. That is, if you are really present and doing the work. And, now is the time to begin doing your work. We are living in very special times when we are able to see the result of our effort very quickly and more profoundly than ever before. Haven’t you noticed that lately that you no sooner think of a thing – fearful or loving – before it manifests in some way, in some form in your life? Do your feelings seem deeper and more available than before? The energy around us is now most supportive of spiritual growth and conscious awareness, so, this is a great time to begin to use your relationship as your own personal spiritual tool for enlightenment. After all, it’s the best tool your have.
If you are ready, I have some important steps you can take for deepening your relationship. These are not for those folks still in relationship kindergarten who are sleeping around, lying and telling people what they want to hear. These are for those of you who are ready for deep meaningful relationships. Committing to these goals may be the best gift you could give each other for Valentines day. I’d love to hear about your process. Write and tell me what you discover in yourself and in your beloved. Most of all, have fun!
Seven Steps to Creating Conscious Relationships
1. I Commit to Achieve Intimacy.
I commit to recognizing, owning and clearing away the obstacles I put in the way of my ability to be close. I will identify and name the defense mechanisms I use to distance, close my heart, abandon myself, abandon my partner, abandon friends or family members in order to avoid telling my truth or creating intimacy.
2. I Communicate and reveal my truths openly. I honor my partner’s truths by being trustworthy.
I will not conceal parts of myself, even those parts of which I am not proud. Holding parts of myself back in relationship is self-defeating. I can’t be committed unless I am fully present and willing to be transparent. Conscious relationship means microscopic truth telling. Conscious relationship also means showing respect for each other’s boundaries. I will honor my right and my partner’s right to reveal our truths only as it is safe to do so. I will honor my partner’s truth as a sacred trust and will not reveal it to others without his or her permission.
3. I Take Full Responsibility for My Own Needs and my own Growth.
I have the power to take charge of my life and stop being a victim. I have the power to stop my dependence on substance, obsessive activity, bad relationships or people whom I have made responsible for my self-esteem, security and happiness. The times when I project blame and shame onto other’s, are the times when I have forgotten that I am in charge of my own reality and healing. I will not expect my partner to deal with the consequences of my refusal to do my own work.
4. I Commit to joy and laughter in my relationship.
I am aware that relationships take immense courage and commitment and, therefore, I also commit to creating equal joy. I accept the ups and downs in relationship as a normal part of the process and my personal opportunities for growth. I take the time to enjoy the strengths, creativity and healing in my partner, in myself and in my relationship.
5. I Commit to Releasing the Learned Behaviors/ and Negative Programming that no longer serves Me.
I accept that I am ever changing and so are those I love. I will not hold on to pain or anger from the past . Neither will I hold on to negative behaviors that diminish my self-worth or are harmful or demeaning to myself or others. I promptly admit my mistakes. I do not accept responsibility for, or cover-up for, the mistakes of others. I commit to stay in the process until the issues are resolved or there is an agreement to disagree.
6. I Commit to some path of service to the planet and all sentient beings.
As I grow in consciousness and awareness that I am a sacred human being and as such am interrelated with all other sentient beings, I commit to actions that restore peace and balance on the planet. I commit to assisting others in the discovery and joy of conscious relationship and conscious living. I will do this first and foremost by committing to my own growth and increasing awareness.
7. I Commit to act honorably with reference to the issue of monogamy in my committed mate relationships.
If I have committed to be monogamous, I willingly make the choice not bring anyone else, or any one else’s energy into our physical relationship. I will provide a safe place for each of us to completely unfold and give fully of ourselves. I will not play with, or encourage other people’s attraction to me. I willingly choose not spend time with people who cannot or will not honor our commitment as partners. I will not use affection as hostage or reward – nor will I create a space of with hold that is lacking in unconditional love in which error may occur.
If I have not committed to be monogamous, I will speak clearly and truthfully about my intentions and I will not act deceptively to have my needs filled in ways that are not in agreement with our contract. I will honor my spiritual relationships with truth.
Conscious relationships are a commitment and gift to self. They teach you to be:
(1) Be Fully Aware And Present
(2) Be Authentic – Experience all your feelings
(3) Be Committed – Keep your agreements and increase your level of integrity
(4) and Be Joyful!
Take a minute to imagine how much soul deep work could be accomplished if you knew your partner would never cheat on you, lie to you, betray you or leave you without an honorable end to your contract. These gifts of safety and integrity provide unlimited opportunities for your own growth and growth toward each other! Light candle. Put on some music. Sit across from each other. Renew your vows with these commitments to even deeper love and growth.
© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013
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