In this month of facades, fakes, costumes and pretend… I have begun to feel like Halloween is a great mirror of some of our relationships. A lot of our relationships are just plain fake. For instance…
We play… if you really loved me you would be jealous of any one who finds me attractive. Are you kidding? Why aren’t we delighted that people find our mate attractive and trust that our love is secure or get to work on it?
We expect that our partners should pretend that every thing we do is perfect. Or, is it really a more courageous act of trust to tell us when we are not being who they know we really can be?
We want our partners to play Merlin with if you loved me wouldn’t you intuit what I need and want without my ever having to ask. Or, would you expect me to act like an adult and respect my ability to determine what I need for myself and ask for it directly?
Then there’s the pretend game of if you really loved me wouldn’t you want to spend all your free time with me. Or, would you be safe enough to encourage outside interests for each of us, in order to add to the quality and diversity in our lives?
Don’t be truthful; instead tell me exactly what you know I want to hear. Or, would you be brave enough to be different and think differently so we could both grow?
Some of us pretend love is the most important thing unless our partners stop buying us the best things and taking us to the best places. But when love is real, wouldn’t the best thing be your partner’s voice, your partner’s touch, your partner’s love …and wouldn’t the best place be in your partner’s arms?
We use a multitude of excuses for pretending and not speaking our truth in relationships. She can’t take it. It will hurt her. He’ll get angry. We use even more for not addressing issues, for refusing to ask for what we need and for hiding what we really feel. There is so much pretend we nearly forget we when are lying. All these lies have nothing to do with our partner’s feelings. It’s all about us not wanting to deal with the fall out from being truthful. We lie and pretend selfishly for ourselves. We wear masks with garish smiles and fake expressions. We use the same tired phraseology and empty conversation. Nice day dear? How do you feel? Fine, you? UGH! We cry fake tears or threaten to leave to get our way. Many of us have one foot out the door to greener grass we have imagined in our mind. Or we opt for the status quo, the real killer in relationships. I’ll pretend I still love you. You pretend you still love me and maybe the boat wont sink. But it does, more than 71% of the time, and we go down with it because relationships that are not built on truth never survive. The truth may at times be painful but it is ultimately always healing.
Is it any wonder that our relationships fail? We are not in them! Someone fake is.
It’s time to start telling the truth. It’s time to start being the truth. It’s time to wake up your relationship and honor it and your partner with character; integrity and the belief that you are both are worth honesty, presence and the real you. Maybe we can take a lesson from the kids. When Halloween night is over they take their masks and costumes off and go back to being real. Maybe we can too.
© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013
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